Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Eventually you'll see me

When you're a wife and a mother you come last. You just do. It is the rule. It is stated right in that little instruction book you get at those milestones in your life. Oh... wait.

I am tired of being last, and I feel terrible about it. It turns out when you're a wife and a mother, you also feel guilty and selfish anytime you actually think about yourself. At least I do. Maybe I am just crazy.

I am tired of being last. I am tired of working all hours of the day taking care of everyone and everything only to be reminded that I don't actually work. I am tired of being ignored and smothered all at the same time. I am tired of being unappreciated. I am tired of being surrounded by humans and always feeling alone. Tired of being misunderstood. Most of all, I am just tired. Worn down to the nub.

I hear of mothers or fathers who have left and run away and I think to myself, "how awful," and then I think about how jealous I am. What a terrible feeling. Like you can never, ever get away. Like there is no end in sight. Like this life will never change and the only option is to abandon it. I, and most, could never do that, but who as a mother does not simply understand it?

The other option is to change it. I'm finding that change just feels like a band-aid that lasts a couple of weeks and then slowly peels away from the skin. It needs to feel like something more permanent. Something that will reconcile, and not just temporarily cover the problem.

A final consideration is just that I am the problem. I push people away. I'm indecisive and pessimistic. I want things I can't have, and I don't want things that are perfect for me. I work hard, and yet not hard enough. I am motivated and lazy. I am sad and lonely and have wonderful things in my life that others would kill for. It is no secret that I am fucked up in the head. Am I finally going to destroy the only thing that has ever been stable in my life. I guess it was bound to happen eventually. Patience and understanding can only get you so far. Eventually you'll see me. and you'll run like you should have before all the baggage.

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