Tuesday, July 27, 2010

struggling not to cry, but wishing I was

Okay, I pulled up blogger yesterday, sat down to post and went blank. I have really not had much to say in the way of not-bringing-everyone-down-sad-poor-me kind of posts. I am struggling. Those people who look great on the outside, laughing and smiling at the party, and then go home and cry. *raises hand* Hi, I'm Kendra. Glad to meet you.

I cried today on the way home from the grocery store and it wasn't because my favorite low-calorie snack wasn't on sale. I feel like I am in a hole and I climb to the top, but get pushed back down 3 feet further. I miss my dad. It's like he was gone, but he was always attainable. Now he's just gone. I think of his smile and his corny laugh and how I will never hear or see them again. No matter how you feel about a person or what your relationship is, when they leave this earth, they are simply gone. My heart sinks and my body aches at the thought of him lying there scared out of his mind, knowing... waiting to die. There is no greater word needed to describe my heart than sad. I haven't allowed myself to just be sad and it's starting to hurt from the inside. I don't want to move. I don't want to do anything. I force myself to live the smallest amount possible. I am good at pretending, but the pain on the inside has never been so hard to hide before. This is real. It is true. A loss like no other ever experienced. I don't know what to do except be sad and I want everyone to go away and let me be that way. Unfortunately, the world goes on around you no matter how you feel. Can't they all see how much I hurt? How dare they be happy and joyful. How dare they have a great day and smile about it. Don't they know how sad this is?

Burdens are funny, though. Funny in that, we don't carry them alone. I cried today because I was listening to a song on the radio that is one of Sophia's favorites - Matt Redman's 'You Never Let Go.' A beautiful song and just the reminder I needed at this moment. Even when I'm faced with the storms of this life, I won't turn back, I know You are near.

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