Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Today is supposed to be "Wordless Wednesday" but I guess I'm in the mood for words. It's almost two in the morning, I have to work tomorrow and my head is spinning. I haven't had much time to write lately, despite the recent use of Lisa's laptop all last week. School and life keep me busy. I still haven't figured out what keeps me going, but maybe I'll figure it out someday.

I've been sketchy on remembering my meds. I can always tell. I'm ready to not need them. Every night as I swallow that swallow I am sure I don't need it anymore. A few days of here and there sets me straight. The way that makes me feel makes me glad I'm on them. I've made the hard decision of taking an antidepressant for anxiety and depression. I know it helps me to be a better mother to my children and that's the ONLY reason that is good enough for me. I still feel like it's something about me that's somewhat scandalous. Like there's some terrible secret I'm hiding. Maybe it's my own insecurity over my need for this pill, but there's still a stigma around depression meds I think. However, unless you have ever dealt with it I don't think you have the right to judge. Unless you know what it is like to feel like you would rather die than go through one more day then you don't get to assume things about it. I have suffered panic attacks so great I've vomited and shook all night. Attacks that make me unable to catch my breath and literally make me think I'm dying. If you've never experienced this I don't think you get to tell me that I don't need my meds. "Getting over it" or "dealing with it" isn't an option. Social anxiety and panic disorder don't work that way. Add on my years of emotional, physical and psychological abuse and well it's a shock I'm only this screwed up. Anyone who truely knows me, knows what a tough thing this is for me. Advice: Don't kick people when they're down... You usually have no idea how they got there.

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