Friday, July 18, 2008

11 weeks 2 days

Almost through the first trimester! I can't believe it. I hope the last two fly as this one did... I think. I am doing well and growing like a woman on her fourth pregnancy should. Maternity pants are my friend and have been for a couple of weeks. I always measure large and plan to this time around too, just for the fun of it. I am having so many feelings about this baby already. I am excited, but scared all at the same time. I haven't really felt pregnant yet, and so I think the attachment isn't quite there yet. I mean I know he or she is in there and will soon be letting me know it, but it still doesn't feel real yet. I have been feeling pretty worn out with everything that's going on. I think doing too much is making me feel like crap, but mostly during a normal day, I feel pretty good. My first appointment with Lynda is on the 29th. I am excited to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. Also, I am very anxious, more so than ever (except maybe the first time) to find out what this baby is. I know it sounds awful, but I really will need the time to adjust if it's a girl. I want a boy so badly. Of course I will love my baby no matter what, but I want a boy. I have convinced myself so hard that it HAS to be a boy, that I will probably tell the u/s tech to check again if she tells me it's a girl. Only 8ish more weeks to find out. Two long months. Everytime I think about actually having to give birth though, I tense up and get scared. I have done this three times already, twice with no drugs and no worries. Why am I suddenly afraid to have a baby? Doesn't make any sense to me, but I sure hope I can talk myself down off the ledge by February. This baby is coming out of me one way or another and being scared about it isn't going to make it any easier.

I want to sew for this baby. I want to sew for my other children. I want to sew for some random person in another state even. I just want to sew. I spent all night last night making a pair of maternity pants for work, only for them to turn out too small. I was not very happy to say the least. That's why I like making things for my kids. At least if something doesn't fit well, then there is another kid I can give said item to. I want to start Alice's scrapbook. Yes. That's right. I want to start it. I wish I was better about keeping up with my kids scrapbooks. It doesn't take long to do a few pages, I could catch up in no time. This, however, would require me to have free time that I am not spending sitting on my fat butt doing nothing. At this point in life, that doesn't exsist.

The house is coming along. The old house is coming along. We are spending most of tomorrow really getting it finished. I am happy, but not looking forward to it. I spent time the last two days over there pulling staples from the hardwood where we tore up the carpet and cleaning the rest of my old craft room. It was not fun, unless you count the fact that I was there alone with a radio and a loud singing voice. It seems like there has been SO much going on lately. I need all off these stressors out of my face. I know I've been letting my emotions get the best of me lately. Normal as this can be for pregnancy, I have to be careful or my anxiety will creep up on me and I will lose it before I ever had a hold on it. I always feel weird that I can be in such control over something that I once never even understood. I feel weird, but I also feel proud of myself. It's not always easy, but I know that I have so much support and so much love, and I guess that's what's different now. I had to realize that letting other people in, isn't going to kill me, and it makes me stronger in the end.

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