Just keep swimming...

Happy would-have-been Birthday sweet Hazel Irene. As I think of you today, I wonder what this night should have been like for your mother and father. I think of what this night would have been like for me. I wouldn't be dreading having to go to work tomorrow instead, I would already be in bed. I would have to get up early and meet your parents at the hospital. I imagine we would have arranged long ahead for me to be there for your parents again, just as I was able to for your brother, Noah. I would be so excited to meet you and to finally find out if you were a girl or a boy. Your mother and I would have talked all day on the phone. She was dreading your c-section. She would have been so overjoyed at meeting you. She would have talked about hating that she couldn't be at John's wedding. I would remind her how he understood and tomorrow it would all be worth it. I couldn't wait to see your little face dear Hazel. I couldn't wait for them to lift you up and bring you into the world. I couldn't wait for them to place you on that scale and see if you were going to give Noah a run for his money. I couldn't wait to wear the goofy white suit and laugh at your dad in the same. I couldn't wait to hold your mother's hand as your daddy stayed by your side. Tomorrow should have been a day of great joy and elation. Instead I will spend it trying not to cry at work. Trying to think of your mother and hoping she is able to have a good time at her brother's wedding. Hoping that she won't think too much of how she isn't supposed to be there. Hoping that I won't forget you, though I can't imagine that happening. I sure as heck don't want it to. Happy would-have-been Birthday sweet Hazel. I love you.