Monday, May 5, 2008

mid morning confessions

I've been so angry at life lately. I can't shake this funk. I hate being like this. I take perfectly good drugs to not feel like this, so what gives? I am so mad at the way things have to be. I have been a Christian for almost six years. I have never ever struggled to trust in God so much as I am right now. I feel disappointed with the paths laid out in front of me. I am not sure which one to travel. I feel angry at the ones laid in front of me with no forks to chose from. I am angry that I never got to hear Hazel's sweet cries. Her giggles. Her songs. I am angry that I feel like I am even allowed to be angry. I am so saddened by this, and yet don't feel like I have a right to be affected so much. After all, it is not my child who has died. I wish it had been, so that my best friend didn't have to go through it. I wish I knew how to be more helpful. I wish I had the time to be more helpful. I wish I had the time to do my laundry. I am angry at trivial things. My kitchen is never clean. So what. Who cares? I do, sadly. I care a lot. It drives me crazy, but that's who I am. I am angry that I have to walk out the door listening to my daughter cry that she doesn't want me to go to work. "Honey, I don't want me to go to work either, but that's what I have to do" is what I say. Is this what I have to do? Well, I guess if we want gas in our car, lights in our living room, and water in our baths then, yea, it is. I am so tired of being angry at money situations. I know God will provide. We've never gone hungry. We have all that we need plus plenty more. I don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want to be sad. I don't want to feel like crap when I wake up and feel like crap when I got to bed. I don't.

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